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The Ten (useless) Commandments

It seems like we hear a lot of Christian Supremacists raving lately about how the "ten commandments are the foundation of our laws", usually around the same time they're trying to insist that "we are a Christian Nation" even though there is no shortage of facts to the contrary. I got curious to see just how inapplicable and useless the Ten Commandments really are in our country, and here's what I came up with. Note that I've chosen to use the Catholic version of the Ten Commandments, because the Hebrew version doesn't even make sense (the first commandment isn't commanding anything) and the Protestant version is too wordy... that and it'll really piss off the protestant fundamentalists if I use the Catholic version.

Commandment I: Thou shalt not have strange gods before me. Ok, so what reflection of this do we find in our legal system? "Your honor, the defendent is charged with worshipping Vishnu." "Sir, you are under arrest for paying more attention to Monday Night Football than God." So total applicability to our legal code: 0.

Commandment II: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Uh... What does this even mean? Taking...in vain? I went to look this up because this is clearly not modern English. It turns out this means not just that you shouldn't go around saying "fucking christ" or "god damn" all over the place; it basically means that you are supposed to take your religion seriously, and not misuse God's name in inappropriate contexts. So this could actually be interpreted to mean that it is breaking God's commandments to say "under God" in a pledge to a flag or to put "In God We Trust" on money, because it's a misuse of God's name. Clearly no application to our laws at all, and if anything, our laws run contrary to this one.

Commandment III: Remember thou keep the Sabbath day. That is, don't work on Saturday. Hell, even the postal service works on Saturday. Even if you consider the Sabbath day to be Sunday for Christians, when was the last time someone got arrested for running a 7-11, grocery store, mall, or restaurant on Sunday?

Commandment IV: Honor thy Father and the Mother. While this is probably a good idea we don't find this directly encoded in our laws. There's nothing that says kids can't be obstinate little shits, and the only proof you need of that is the cereal aisle at Safeway after Church. There may be some tiny relationship with this commandment in that we do have laws that make specific requirements about children being under the care of their parents until they're 18, but for the most part, these requirements are a mandate for parents not children.

Commandment V: Thou Shalt Not Kill. Well it's about time. Halfway through the commandments and we finally get to one that is strongly represented in our legal code. You'll get no argument from me on this one. Killing is a bad deal. Even if you have to kill to survive, it's a bummer. So now we're 1 of 5 for commandments that exist in our legal code.

Commandment VI: Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery. This is probably grounds for divorce, but there's certainly no law that says you can't do it. If there were, we'd have to put half of Congress, Dr. Laura, and a number of former presidents in prison. Sorry, but once again, this commandment has little or no relevence to our laws.

Commandment VII: Thou shalt not steal. Hey, now we're up to 2 out of 7. Stealing is no good. I think we all agree on that point. But then, so did civilizations long before Moses was a baby.

Commandment VIII: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Hey, 3 out of 8! No society can accept lying as the norm. Unfortunately, lots of these Christian Supremacist groups have been bearing false witness against gays and lesbians for countless ages, and those naughty Take Back Miami-Dade people found a number of their folks in prison for bearing false witness in the form of vote fraud.

Commandment IX Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife. Okay, even if this was a crime, how would you ever know that someone had committed it? "Say, Bob, I have a strong hunch that Bill across the street has been coveting me... I just get this funny feeling, you know, like that feeling you're being coveted." No dice here, folks.

Commandment X Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. Can you say "complete and utter breakdown of capitalism"? Because that's what happens when people don't covet their neighbor's goods. It's not mere coincidence that we have well-known phrases like "keeping up with the Joneses". The phrase isn't about a triathlon, folks. Part of what drives our desire to spend is the want of things we don't have- coveting goods. So this commandment has obviously no place in a society where people try to own the biggest SUV on the block and the loudest car stereo.

In summary, we came up with only 3 out of 10 commandments that have any strong correlation to our society's laws: don't kill, don't steal, don't lie. Well, gee, Moses, aren't you just Mr. Fucking Original with those three. I bet you and God sat on that hill for hours over tea coming up with those pearls of wisdom.

So it's pretty obvious, isn't it, that to say the Ten Commandments is some kind of foundation of our culture is complete nonsense. Go forth and spread the word: the Christian Supremacist Theocrats are full of shit.

---Nick